Year in Review

I tomorrow is officially the end of the year, but today is the end of my year. Yes, I'm special. Today is my birthday and having a birthday at the end of the calendar year really allows for a lot of reflecting. I know I probably overdo lists - but here's a quick recap of this year.

1. Fabio and I were engaged
2. Snarky and I met a crazy bridal dress consultant who kept hugging me
3. I refrained from hitting the servers
4. I met the crazy man that works in special events for the WV State Capital
5. Snarky, Fabio and I saw Jesco White "perform"
6. A bunch of us tried a diet and learned that we don't like drinking water and we hate yogurt (except the frozen varieties)
7. We learned that we aren't great at following diets that require us to eat yogurt and drink water
8. Fabio and I got married and then I stole someone's luggage
9. I was almost killed by ducks
10. Snarky wrote her first guest blog (I say first because I feel like her anger needs and outlet and she should start her own)
11. I am living with a boy and we need a bigger house
12. My brother and I both love torturing our bosses in very obscure ways.
13. I need to start working on my goals before I turn 40 because that is getting closer! (although I was promised cake lollies for my 40th)

Happy New Year to you!!

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

So in November when I got married, I also got a step dog. She has to be walked about 4 times a day. Since I haven't been at work for two weeks, I felt guilty and thought I would be nice and assume the responsibility for a few of the walks - the ones during daylight :) But over the past few days I have noticed something I find very disturbing.

There is a nice elderly woman who walks her dog several times a day also. My issue is that when I walk Clair - Clair is doing the walking too. When this lady walks her dog, she is carrying him! Seriously? Why would you go out several times a day to carry your dog around????

It's like my own neighborhood version of the Ridiculist.

New Year Resolutions

It's that time of year again! Have you made a list of a bunch of stuff you would like to do but most likely will not? Here is mine...I think all of these things are quite perfectly unrealistic.

1. Stop complaining about my job
2. Lose 30 pounds
3. Stay focused and organized
4. Find a cure for my dry skin

Here's wishing you the best of luck with your resolutions! I hope you are more successful than me :)

Taking on the Big Bank

Not in the sense that I'm sure you are thinking. Here is the thing, I know I have a very short fuse for poor customer service. I feel that everyone should treat their clients as you do in a four star hotel. Therefore, I am about ready to quit using banks and keep my money under a mattress.

So I pull up to the ATM to make a deposit and there are no envelopes. Kind of annoying that I have to back out of the ATM, but no one else is around so no problem. I walk inside and am greeted as if I'm at Moe's. I walk up to the teller and give her my deposit slip and check and kindly (really I promise) say "just so you know, the ATM is out of envelopes."

Do you know what she says to me???? "We don't service the ATM, there is another company that deals with that."

Vacation

I love vacation - I currently do not have to show up at my office again until 2012!! I know what you are thinking - endless amounts of time to play on the internet. Sorry friend, I have a to-do list a mile long. You see, I have put off every chore for the past month because I was going to have so much time off. So, today I could write a FB status like the ones that drive me crazy. It would read

busy day - finish Christmas shopping, wrap presents, finish laundry, have lunch with Marge, reorganize the shed and guest bedroom, clean the kitchen and take the recycling out.

Yeah right, I'll get ALL of that done today. If today is a relative term like this month.

There's a Reindeer on that Car!

Or You're Not Fooling Me, I know that's a car and not a reindeer!

See, Lizard is outraged at all the people who are decorating their cars. She doesn't think you should throw a big red bow on your 1987 Honda - makes people sad to think that you believe that's a new car. She also is concerned that you may crack and leave your children in there as a present to whomever is calling social services to report you as a bad parent.

The other night I saw a big car that had a sleigh and some reindeer that lit up on top of it. Here's the thing - I love the phrase go big or go home....but in this case, I feel compelled to tell you that if you can't fit 8 reindeer on top of your car, maybe you should just stick to the reindeer antlers that fit in your window. I mean, how much power is that whole on the go display eating up in your car battery? And how did you find time to do all that?

As I'm typing this, I just realized that from my childhood to present day - the title of this post is very different. Growing up if someone said "there's a reindeer on that car" I would assume it was a dead deer. As an adult living in a decent size city, it means someone has strapped lawn ornaments to the roof of their car.

Merry Christmas y'all

You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Cry

Or pout, or throw a temper tantrum or punch someone. Not because it's almost Christmas and you are afraid of Santa, but because if you are reading this, there is a high likelihood that you are a grown adult and that is no way to act.

Weight Gain Train

I'm sorry - it doesn't seem like December to me. I'm having a hard time wrapping my pea size brain around the fact that Thanksgiving has come and gone and Christmas is quickly approaching. As always, I have triple booked myself this month and we're still trying to organize the house. When am I going to find time to bake?? I mean, I love to bake this time of year....and of all years, I finally have a KitchenAid mixer to assist me!! I have all kinds of ideas on Pinterest just waiting for me...and I'm failing all of those delicious calories. How am I going to gain 8 pounds if I'm not constantly eating sweets?

Also, I am saddened by the fact that I am no longer able to be the reigning cookie champion of my former place of employment. Apparently if you don't work there, you can't win or even enter the contest!

Multi Tasking and a Flash Mob

I just got a text from Fabio that reads "I like the multi holiday mish mash that is our front door."

Apparently when I put the wreath up, I completely forgot that the pumpkin should go. Or maybe I'm just really early for next year.

In completely unrelated news - I thought I was going to witness a flash mob yesterday. I pulled into the Target parking lot and saw several people in white shirts and black pants. When I was walking through the store, I saw even more of them milling around. They were making sure to be very quiet....so I of course started following them. I pulled my phone out of my purse so I could tell Sassy because I was so excited. I mean, a real live Flash Mob in Target for no apparent reason. And since it's December, maybe they would be caroling? How cool would it be to see a Flash Mob of carolers? When I finally work my way back to the Christmas section of the store I see them shooshing each other - Sassy is telling me not to leave and I am just hovering in the next aisle waiting for the show to start. When nothing happens, I move into the next aisle. Only to see them sword fighting with the wrapping paper. I didn't happen upon a Flash Mob, I happened upon a bunch of teenagers in Target who probably came from a choir concert.

Playlist Unplayed

Before the wedding, Fabio talked endlessly about what music he wanted played and even more so about the music he certainly didn't want played at our wedding reception. So we spent hours determining what we wanted played during dinner and during the dancing portion. As we arrived at the venue, I was pleased to hear that the music being played were things we had requested. Unfortunately, once the dancing began we only heard 3 or 4 of the songs we chose. Fabio is still fuming about this, and what makes it worse for me is that he plays the actual playlist while we are at the house.

I think what amazes me most is that this happens all the time - to everyone! We are not alone in this, and it happens whether it is a DJ or Band, these "artists" just seem to play whatever they want. Too bad I can't just go to work and do whatever I want instead of what my clients have requested.

p.s. today is Snarky's birthday. In honor of her, you should let your road rage out and yell at someone driving beside you. Or punch a coworker in the face.

Romantic Killer Ducks

Last week, after the luggage incident, Fabio and I went on to have a wonderful honeymoon in sunny California. Monday evening we were walking around the resort which has several ponds with bridges. After we crossed one of the bridges, there was a little covered area over the water with two chairs. As we approached, Fabio said, "Wow, this would be a great place to propose if I hadn't already." I totally agreed with him and we sat in the chairs to just enjoy the moment.

Within seconds we were surrounded by ducks. I couldn't figure it out, and then as the quacked their little beaks in our direction, it hit me. People usually sit here and feed them. As any logical person would do, I looked at the ducks and said "Sorry ducks, we have no food for you." Obviously, they should have left right? Not so much...they just sat there quacking at us and then finally, in a fit of rage one came flying up at me.

I screamed and went running away with it as Fabio followed mumbling something about that being the end of our romantic moment. Then I reminded him that I was not the one searching for alligators in FL.

Luggage Thief

There I was, newly Mrs. Fabio and ready to enjoy a relaxing honeymoon as Mr. and Mrs. While Fabio was getting the address to the resort for the cab driver, I pulled our bags off the luggage carousel and walked over to him. He immediately jumped up saying he would have gotten the bags and I know this was true - but sometimes I like to pretend I'm strong, so I had grabbed our bags. We roll out to the line of taxis at the airport in a cold drizzle. Of course I immediately begin to worry that the whole week will be like this. We have flown across the country to the land of sunshine, but with my luck it will rain the entire time we are here.

We hop in the taxi and head off towards the resort. Fabio's phone begins to ring and I really only notice because it sounds like a nuclear alarm going off. He hits ignore because the number isn't familiar (I am also totally guilty of screening unknown callers) but then they leave a message. He listens to it and just looks at me. As he hangs up he says "are you sure you grabbed the right bags?" So just as we are 3 minutes away from the resort - we have to turn around and go back to the airport because in all of my glory of being able to lift my heavy bag off the carousel, I was actually stealing someone else's luggage!

So that is how we began our honeymoon. Thankfully - the woman who's luggage I wanted to drive around CA for a bit was very understanding and that was the worst hiccup of the trip. Oh, and also the only rain of the trip!

I hope you enjoyed hearing from Snarky in my absence...she has some awesome family holiday stories usually  - so you may hear from here again soon :)

The One About the Annoying Co-worker...

Hi readers, it’s Snarky.  I’m honored that Carrie asked me to guest blog while she is enjoying her honeymoon.  So here goes….

 

I work in a pretty stuffy, corporate office and one of my co-workers is well, basically, a hot mess.  For this post I will refer to her as Sneezy because one of her worst offenses is being allergic to our office, apparently. She says she only sneezes when she's at work, but it's less like sneezing and more like machine gun fire at the same volume.  She needs medication and possibly a face mask.  Anyway, Sneezy has many qualities that would serve her well elsewhere, but not in this office.  Let me paint you a picture.  

Let's start with her wardrobe.  In my office conservative is the order of the day.  Men wear suits and ties and women dress the hell up.  Not Sneezy.  Since joining our company earlier this year she has amazed us with her inability to adapt to her surroundings.  She has on various occasions worn the following: sheer white top with black tank, jeans with holes, 5 inch Ed Hardy heels, espadrille wedge sandals, sleeveless and spaghetti strap shirts, shorts, and......pigtails in her hair.  I actually own a number of these items too and I WEAR THEM ON THE WEEKEND!  How is anyone supposed to take her, or any of us by association, seriously if she's nodding her head and fricking pigtails are bouncing around?!

Ok, now picture a girl in pigtails, sheer shirt, and 5 inch heels running around an office.  For some reason Sneezy is incapable of just walking, but instead must run....like someone is chasing her to the printer.  Dude, just walk.  You look crazy if you run in an office and nothing is on fire.  

Now on to her desk.  Crafts made by her kids and photos of the kids hang all over it.  And she ordered matching purple desk accessories, so it resembles a teen bedroom.  I'll admit I'm pretty OCD about clutter, but her desk is one glue stick away from a birdcage made of popsicle sticks.  She also has a penchant for an electric stapler that sounds more like a nail gun.  Sometimes she staples things for hours and I want to plead with her to please go green, spare the trees, and stopping stapling every piece of paper ever made!

And then there's the sound of her voice.  Ok maybe the sound is a pet peeve only I've acquired, mainly because it usually means she's droning on about some inane topic that I have no interest in, and because I don’t have an office or walls to protect me so I am her hostage.  She has started actual sentences with "I know you don't like to cook, but there's a sale at the grocery store on such and such and blah blah blah."  If you know I don't like to cook, then don't tell me about anything that pertains to cooking!  It's simple really.  And when she speaks she sounds ridiculous.  Sneezy says "ma'am" to everyone about everything.  All day long she's ma'aming herself into some kind of Emily Post nightmare.   And lastly, Sneezy’s favorite phrase is the one that reveals her country bumpkin roots: fixin'.  Sneezy often says that her boss –an executive- is “fixin’” to get off a call or “fixin’” to join a meeting.  Ah, fixin', one of the all time most redneck phrases.  Well, I am fixin' to yank out her pigtails and staple her mouth shut.

Man it felt good to vent! 

Until next time,
Snarky

Adios Amigos

I'm speaking Spanish because all I've heard this week are the workers grouting the balcony. What I love about them: They were rocking out to Adele the other day and they were making fun of one of my coworkers behind her back. What I hate about them: They've made a huge mess of the lobby and the carpet in the hallway. I don't even try to listen to them but they yell and scream outside my window all day.

Anyway, this will most likely be my last post as a single gal. Don't worry though, all three of you will still be able to read something next week as I know Snarky has been working endlessly to take notes about the nonsense in her office.

Later Gators! (this is in no way a sports reference, just sayin')

Doing the Right Thing

I was really compelled to come to work Thursday 30 minutes late. I didn't leave until 7:30 Wed night, the caterers weren't coming in until 7:00 am, and the client wouldn't be in until 8:30. So what would it hurt if I didn't come in until 6:30? I kept telling myself it would be fine. In the end, I was still here at 6:00 am - in the dark, by myself for no real reason.

I blame the following for this:

1. My liberal arts education and the 40 ethics classes I was forced to take in order to graduate.
2. My parents who have an insane work ethic (well, they did when they worked).
3. My constant need to always be right - I can't complain about other people cutting their day short when I do it too.

Somehow I doubt anyone else would have had such a bad internal struggle over 30 minutes that no one would miss.

You Can't Stop the Beat

So I started teaching a teen tap class this year. At first they were all so quiet and shy. Now that they are opening up, I wish they would be shy again. Anyway, did you know that 7-9th graders don't know how to make a circle? They just stared at me when I said, that's not a circle. I mean, I get it, they are growing and have no control over their limbs, but apparently they also have no spacial recognition. The worst is that I remember this horribly awkward age....and I maybe had some pretty huge bangs during that time too. At least their hair is better. However, I'm willing to bet that in several years that will look back and pictures and their kids will say, "mom, where are your pants?"

Don't Diagram Angry

In a stunning turn of events during yesterday's staff meeting, I felt the need to be right. Ok, nothing about this is stunning, but nonetheless, I felt the need to prove I was right. It's rather stupid really. Thursday we have a client appreciation event and I wanted to set up the room one way, while another esteemed colleague disagreed. Where it went downhill was when I was told there was only two feet between the wall and the screen.

Naturally, I did what any other lunatic would do. We left staff meeting, and I proceeded to make a diagram for the way I wanted the room set up. Then I maybe took it a wee bit too far by showing the measurements of the Corner of Controversy.

This morning, said esteemed colleague is not speaking to me. I think the worst part is that I don't care. I was right. Don't make up arguments that don't even make sense and that I can disprove at a moments notice. Sorry you're a sore loser.

Sweaty Mess

In an attempt to not be as white as my wedding gown, I have started using the Jergen's Natural Glow. As you may or may not know, I went back to teaching tap this year. So on Tuesday, about 3/4 of the way through my first class, I notice a dark spot on the side of my neck. I thought, that's weird and kept teaching. A few minutes later, it had moved and then it hit me. My tanning lotion was running. I spent the next hour and 15 minutes trying to casually wipe it away without anyone noticing. The adults would have been hysterical and the teenagers would have lost their mind. For the rest of class I was just hoping that the orange/brown dye wouldn't bleed through my white jacket - for all the world to see my self tanning disaster.

I rushed home from the studio and peeled the jacket away from my skin in front of the mirror. Wow, the jacket was still white. Apparently, only the lotion on my neck ran. I was thankful and weirded out all at the same time. Does my neck sweat that much more than the rest of me??

I can't stop stupid

This is one of the hardest lessons that I am still trying to learn. You see, my dad didn't put up with stupid...or crying for that matter. I grew up in a household that you are always prepared for anything that you may need or that anyone else may forget. This has continued into my professional life. On a subconscious level, the more prepared I am will make up for your lack of intelligence.

Here is a perfect example. The parking deck is closed. You can A. park on the surface lot or B. sit in front of the gate and just wonder what has happened. Well, based on the fact that I am even blogging about this, I bet you can guess what happened. That's right - I found the caterers this morning parked in front of the gate wondering why no one was here yet. Seriously? did you not notice that you drove through the gate at the entrance to the parking lot? Did you not see the cars parked in the lot? Did you not know that the building had a front door? Why are you so stupid?

It is my job to make sure the client is happy. While I personally feel like this doesn't include babysitting grown adults who should be able to handle the most basic problem solving, I can't always anticipate everything that will happen. I need you to think on your own just a little bit.

Goes Together Like Peanut Butter'n Jelly

A wee bit ago, my friend Kelli got married to this great guy. I mean really, he is truly a great guy. During her wedding reception, a toast was given that referenced that Kelli and Evan went together like Peanut Butter and Jelly. Then I see all of these about the dangers of peanut butter and how it has been banned from schools. Don't get me wrong, my dear sarcastic friends, I am all for this one. No one child's life should ever be put in danger over a sandwich or a snack. Although I think this is a great way to kill off any coworkers you may need to remove.

So anyway, to my point. I have a feeling that years from now, no one will have ever eaten peanut butter and jelly. This will become a reference like the pot calling the kettle black or colder than a tin toilet in the Ukon (I learned this from a former boss). Goes together like peanut butter and jelly will become something that you haven't actually experienced, but something that you can imagine would be very fitting.

Enough of this already - I'm going to get a snack.

It's Almost Here!

I've really tried not to bore all three of you with constant blogging about my wedding planning. But just in case you forgot...I'm getting married in 29 days! Crazy right? It's been lots of fun, but all those brides who blog about how sad they are that the planning is over and how they just don't have any idea what to do after the wedding are insane. They need a hobby. I'm personally looking forward to ultimately glamorous things like cooking and not "fitting in" time to spend with friends. I want to be addicted to Pinterest like everyone else. I want to leave weird comments on Facebook and people not assume I'm stressed about the wedding. Let me assure you - 90%  of my stress comes from work. I want to watch a marathon of TV shows that I don't even like.

While the planning process has been fun, I'm actually not sad for it to be over. It being over means I will be married...and if Fabio ever finishes painting the condo-then I will be living with him and complaining about dog hair on my clothes for the rest of my life. Isn't that really what every girl wants?

Whiny Pants

I have a cold. To you it is probably just an average cold. To me, it is a near death experience. For three days now, all I have wanted to do is sleep. The least little bit of physical activity has me all sweaty and ready to cry. I think the real problem is that it has been so long since I've been sick that I have forgotten how to function. There have been moments that I simultaneously hear myself whining and my mom telling to me suck it up. Sadly, she is right - I need to suck it up. Buuuuttt I don't feeeeelll good :(

Construction Madness

Since we don't have any groups in today, we have some construction happening in the building. Phone lines are being dropped, the balcony is being repaired, the air walls are getting some TLC and the set up guys are trying to set for Monday. Here's the thing, I like a plan. If the plan needs to change, ok, but there needs to be a good plan in place to start. The guys running the phone lines are making a mess of everything. We were told they would be finished in the big room yesterday. Unfortunately the lead worker had a costume malfunction and had to go home early.

Today at 1:30, they still weren't finished in the main room, so I went to get an ETA. He tried to give me 15 different excuses all to say he didn't know when he was going to be finished. Then he called me sweetheart. If there is one thing that will immediately put you on my bad side, it's calling me sweetheart while giving me an excuse as to why your work isn't done. Just because I'm short doesn't mean my brain is small.

So the award for best contractor/construction mess goes to the air wall guys. They showed up when they were supposed to - did all the work they needed to and left. The balcony guys get a decent second place - other than being an hour late and giving me a throbbing headache from the sound of work, they have done pretty well today. I sure hope this place looks decent on Monday.

Extreme Couponer in Aisle 4

Ok, so I don't know about you, but I'm seeing these crazy people everywhere now. Two weeks ago I saw my first one in Target and it was like I was on a National Geographic safari. The last week, Snarky almost killed one in the grocery store who was trying to break the rules. The store called them out on breaking the rules and Snarky refrained from breaking all of their bones.

Yesterday, I ran into the store during lunch to grab a sandwich (because I was too lazy to buy groceries this week). There was one taking up the whole aisle! Ok, fine that you are stocking up for a pandemic or just being super greedy and want all the mustard the store has, but there are rules! As an amateur couponer, you make me sick. No one needs 300 bottles of mustard and if you read the rules of the store, you can only use 20 coupons anyway! But fine, if this is how you want to live you life, that is your business. Just stay to one side of the aisle so other people can get through the store.

Running in the Dark

Obviously, this post is not about me. I don't run - especially in the dark. However, for the past few weeks I have seen the same woman running while I'm driving to work. I mean, if you want to be up and running at 5:30 in the morning - more power to you. My issue is that she runs on a dark street next to a construction area with no reflective clothing. I get it that the construction has eliminated the sidewalk in that area, but someone is going to hit her. So here is my PSA for the day. If you are crazy enough to be running in the dark - find a friend that is just as crazy and buy some crazy  looking clothes covered in reflectors.

The Servers are going to Kill Me

Here's the deal. I realize that I have higher expectations when you come here to be a server than if you just show up at someone's house and drop off some food. I get it, why can't you? I know I list a lot of things, but here are some of my greatest server pet peeves. Let's face it, at 6:00 am, I have a really short fuse and highly suggest you refrain from any of these...
1. Having your boyfriend stop by to see where you work. He doesn't care and I don't want to meet him.
2. Telling me everything is fine, when I can clearly see with my two eyes that a disaster is unfolding.
3. You looking like you got up at 4:30 am. I know you did, but let's comb our hair and pretend we have some common sense.
4. You forgetting that I'm your client. I don't expect you to bow at my feet, but just the least bit of respect would go a long way.
5. It's early, we get it, but you are on the clock - it would be great if you could leave the kitchen with all of the items we need.
6. Here is just a quick reminder that you represent the company you work for and I don't buy the fact that you can't do anything to make sure my order is correct.
7. Don't argue with me. I am always right - remember that phrase? Let's repeat it together just for fun..."the customer is always right"
8. If I wanted to pay people to stand around and ignore me, I would have children and raise them to be teenagers and then pay them.
9. When I say get off the clock, it's because I have determined that there is no more work for you today. Leave.
10. Telling me that you are going to do what you want and not what I am asking is a sure way that you will never work in this building again. Oh, and telling my coworker that I'm rude is only putting a nail in your coffin.

Day 12

Ok, so I'm on Day 12 of the 17 day diet. The first 6 days, I lost a pound each day. This week, I haven't lost any weight. I also haven't been as diligent about my water, or the exercise. I think I may stay in this phase for an extra week. I still hate yogurt, and now I can add Kefir to that list. The Professor loves it, and the Lizard joined our game and she likes Kefir too. They are weirdos. I'm tired of chicken and would love to expand my horizons with vegetables. Tonight I think I will try roasted cauliflower. Will let you know if it is great or a catastrophe!

New Kid on the Block

So....we have a new intern and compared to the last intern, she is a rocket scientist! I'm not even kidding....the worst thing I could say about her is that she says ma'am all the time. She is pleasant, asks questions when she is unsure of things and takes her time to complete a project properly. It's amazing....she is changing my mind about interns!

Day 1

Let me introduce you to some new characters in my life (they aren't new to my life, but new to the blog). Permie is a friend from college who is an accountant. I didn't give her this name, she has had it for a long time, but don't be fooled - her hair is not curly. The Professor is another friend from college who, you guessed it, is a college professor now. She is also super crafty and you should check out her stuff! (blatant plug: The Inspired Button).

Ok, so Permie decided to start a new diet (she is one of the healthiest people I know) and now The Professor and I have joined her (Mary Ann and the Skipper weren't available.) It's the 17 Day Diet, there are lots of rules, but here is what you really need to know. We are supposed to drink 8 glasses of water a day, lots of veggies, lean protein, 2 fruits and 2 probiotics a day. So far today, I am WINNING the water portion of this situation. By winning, I mean that I have successfully drowned myself and have made 72 trips to the restroom. I have decided that yogurt is not going to cut it twice a day for 17 days, so now I'm on the search for new probiotics. Let me know if you know of some I would like!!

Why I Hate Best Buy

They are always out to trick you. You have to always be on your toes when you go into a Best Buy. Fabio LOVES Best Buy. He would live there if anyone would let him. But I have several cases to prove my point that they are pure evil.

1. A little over a year ago, Fabio decided he wanted a new TV. So we went to Best Buy and they had a big sign under one of the TV's that talked about this fabulous sale - so when we told the sales guy that was the one we wanted, he told us that the sticker was in the wrong place and that TV wasn't on sale. So I asked why they left the sticker there - he just walked away from me. Fabio was mortified as I took the sticker off the TV to prevent someone else from going through all this turmoil.

2. Last month we started updating Fabio's condo in hopes that it will sell and we can purchase any of 30 of my dream homes. Surprisingly, Best Buy had the better pricing for the fridge and dishwasher - so off we went again. Things seemed very smooth until we hit check out counter and the total was more than I expected. Being horrible at math, I didn't say anything, I just made a strange face and asked Fabio to see the receipt. They had added a $70 fee because they had to order the dishwasher and have it delivered to them. The girl working behind the counter saw the look on my face and asked if something was wrong. I asked why they expected us to pay for moving their inventory? I told her that the sales guy had talked us into that dishwasher and never said anything about an extra charge. Twenty minutes later she was finally able to find the guy and credited the amount back....moments before my head exploded.

Why is this store so evil? Clothing and shoe stores would never do that to you!!!

A Few Requests for Meeting Attendees

After the past few groups - I have a few requests of people who attend conferences -
1. Do not chew off your fingernails and leave them on the floor. This is quite possibly the most disgusting thing ever.
2. If the water pitcher is empty, please bring it to my attention by telling me - waving it at me and pointing at it just makes me think you are an idiot.
3. Do not tape things to the wall with the cheapest scotch tape you can find and then act surprised when part of the wall comes down with the tape.
4. If you make a big deal about being allergic to certain types of food - then on your own choose to eat that food and nothing bad happens to you - the servers will no longer believe you have an allergy.
5. The plants in the hallway are for decoration - they do not like coffee, so please don't dump yours in there.
6. It would be awesome if you could throw your trash in the can instead of right next to it.
7. I'm very sorry that you don't like the lunch option, or the vegetarian alternative, you should speak with the person who planned your meeting about their selections.
8. Copies are not free anywhere else in the world, so please stop acting like the 10 cents charge is the most outrageous thing you have ever heard. (If it is the most outrageous thing you have ever heard, you should get out more)

Summer Work Clothes

Here's the deal. It's literally 110 degrees outside and 62 degrees in my office. This is wreaking havoc on my wardrobe choices. Either I have to dress for my office temperature and begin melting like Frosty the second I walk outside or I wear something that I won't die walking to the parking lot but then I freeze to death all day in my office. Twice today I have found myself walking outside just so that I can warm up enough to keep typing while I work. I keep a blanket in my office and look like someone's great grandmother as I sit in my office with it draped over my legs. I understand that everyone wants it to be cool inside, but man, could we find a happier medium??

Working on my Candidacy for What Not to Wear

Today, I am dressed like a tree. But a tree that isn't growing properly because my trunk is bigger than the leafy part. I say this because I'm wearing a brown tea length skirt and a green cardigan. I've noticed that not many things are made tea length. And why is it called tea length? I know why this length isn't popular - because when you are my height - it just looks like you are short and wearing a tall person's knee length skirt. I work with a girl that is 5' 10"  - If I wore her pencil skirt (which will never happen because she weighs all of 15 pounds) it would be the same length as the skirt I'm wearing today. If only I were taller - it would also make me look skinnier!!! Although it probably wouldn't because I would just eat that much more.

Blackberry Woes

I have iPhone envy. I want one. I have trouble with touch screens, but I want one. Although I have told myself that I will wait until my upgrade is available so that it won't be so expensive. So here's a list of what my blackberry is doing to try to ruin my life.

1. randomly turning itself off
2. the timer just turns and turns - possibly for hours at a time
3. I have about 800 updates, but RIM has locked me out for not EVER being able to remember my password
4. Not being able to connect to FaceBook so I can pretend that I'm not actually waiting on someone outside the restaurant, but that I am very important and need to check my messages



Watch it Blackberry or you and I will be finished.

Happy Birthday

I would like to wish everyone Happy Birthday. You see, unless you make a really big deal out of your birthday, I will probably forget it. Sassy makes sure that everyone in the free world knows when her birthday is and that you better respect it. I therefore make sure to call Sassy every year on her birthday - no excuses.

As for everyone else - they aren't that lucky. It's not that I don't truly hope that you have a wonderful birthday. I do, I love birthdays, it's my favorite day of the year. I just have too many lyrics from 80's songs stuck in my head taking up valuable memory space.

So incase I have missed it - or for when I do miss it - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

It's totally ok if you miss mine.

With This Ring...

So my fiance and I recently started shopping for our wedding bands. Since I try to protect the innocent and the guilty I will give him the name Fabio. Last week, Fabio and I were out shopping for curtains for his house and while we were in the mall (a place he only goes in December), I said we should check out some wedding bands. Prior to our trip, Snarky had helpfully suggested that Fabio get a wedding band with a lot of bling. He immediately countered that he would get one with an emerald, amethyst and ruby so that it could look like a stop light. I felt like this project might take a while.

As we enter the jewelry store, this young, enthusiastic sales person is on her way to greet us when Fabio exclaims "I could get one that looks like a super bowl ring!". This became one of those moments when I wished it was socially acceptable to take pictures of strangers in public. She couldn't tell if he was being serious or how I was going to respond. Without any warning, her day just got a little crazier. From that moment she proceeded with great caution until she realized that he was just kidding around. Although Fabio doesn't like to shop, I have learned that he does have pretty good taste. After all, he did choose me.

Comedy Tonight - Disaster

If my blog were old enough to have an archive, this would be in it. Unfortunately, I did not see fit to write down all the disasters of my life any earlier. This one is old but gold.

At one point, Snarky and I decided we needed to expand our dating horizons. I did a ton of research on restaurants and activities in different neighborhoods than the ones where we lived in hopes of meeting people we would not normally run into during our everyday life. Before venturing all the way up to University area (it's a horrible trip - probably 10 miles away) we decided to check out NoDa. See, we all know that I love to laugh and together, Snarky and I like to make fun of people. It seemed like the perfect choice to go to a stand up comic open mic night. We had no idea what was about to hit us.

So we drive across town, get in an argument with some guy who thinks we should pay him to park in a public parking lot, and make our way to the second story of a building that is on the edge of civilization. As we enter the building, we should have known something was wrong. There were only about 10 people in the entire place. I get my wallet out to pay the $5 cover which seemed completely reasonable to watch local stand up amateurs. Then we reach the table and the guy we are paying looks very confused. Suddenly, I wonder if we just paid some random guy the cover and he doesn't actually work there. Snarky and I stupidly just shrugged and went to find a seat. Like any good church goers, we stayed in the back. As we're sitting there, I'm beginning to wonder if I misread the start time. The place is still empty - just a handful of people. Then it starts - the MC takes the stage to give a welcome and calls out Snarky and I to move closer. Trying not to make a scene, we move into the center area of seats.

Now the show begins. The first poor soul gets up there and tries to be funny....then the next, and so on. Along about person number four, Snarky looks at me and almost simultaneously we realize what has happened. The reason the guy at the door seemed a bit confused is because no one has ever come to see this show before. The only people sitting around us are other participants of the evening. We are the ONLY people in the building who haven't prepared their 5 minute act. Luckily, we realized this before the comedians, because eventually, they too made this realization. Then they started heckling us. You can't walk out when you are the only two observers of this whole mess! So we sat there, not speaking, not even looking at each other because we knew we would immediately just lose it. Never have the two of us been so quiet. Never have we longed so much for something to end (except maybe work). After the last "comedian" performed, the MC asked to make sure we didn't want to say anything. We both politely declined and hightailed it out of there. When we finally hit the sidewalk outside the building we burst into a fit of laughter that had us both laughing so hard that we couldn't see through all the tears.

If I could teach anyone one lesson from this experience, it would be that if you ever want to see comedy, you should probably not go to an open mic night.

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

I understand your need to constantly correct and improve yourself. I think it's a goal that we should all take upon ourselves in our daily life. However, I have just one question to ask. If I am sending someone a message and want to have two paragraphs, how can I accomplish this goal in my life when hitting the enter button causes the message to send? You are making me feel like I don't know how to use the internet.

Sincerely,

The Smartest Person in the Room

A Quick Errand

I am not a scientist. I do not play a scientist on TV. I am a meeting planner who is frequently panicked about running out of time to do all the things on my list on any given day. So when I try to run a quick errand and it turns into the biggest nightmare of my day, my face turns red.

When I recently went to our vendor to pick up linens, I was near red faced at my arrival. It was no fault of the vendor - I forgot to tell them that we were going to be closed on Friday and that they would not be able to deliver. So first thing Monday morning I called to explain what had happened and begged for their mercy to allow me to come pick up enough linen to get me through until the next delivery. All I wanted was linens. All I came for was linens. I did not stop by for a science lesson.

Upon entering the office, I was greeted by a nice lady who initially seemed like most any other receptionist I have ever met. Then she became talkative and inquisitive.

"How do you feel about the tsunami and all of the recent tornadoes?" she asked.

I paused for a moment and cautiously replied, "I think all the devastation is very sad." I realize it's not an award winning answer, but how was I supposed to respond? "I think it's GREAT!"

She then began to share with me her thoughts on Pangaea and that all of these weather fronts are the continents trying to move back together. See Pangaea Info for the whole history (because to be honest, I had forgotten about that part of science class). I left with a feeling of amazement that she pointed out that she thought the recent warnings of the end of the world was crazy but she so steadfastly held to this idea and was so serious.

Serious or not, and no matter what theory you believe or don't - all I wanted were some napkins and table cloths. Instead, I turned red faced, my head almost exploded and an errand that should have taken 15 minutes turned into 45.

there is a Disco Ball ruining my day

This week is apparently the week of time sucks. Every meeting I sit through lasts forever with no new conclusion. I have mounds of work piling up on my desk, phone calls to return, information to send. I can't seem to keep my head above water. Then this afternoon someone comes into my office to tell me that there is a rental company asking for me in the lobby. Ok, I used to work for a rental company - I know how they operate - SLOWLY. So I go meet the guy - seems nice, probably right out of college and can't find the job he really wants. I show him where to set up and tell him I will hang around until the placement of the disco ball is determined.

What's that you say? You thought I worked at a corporate conference center? Yeah, that's what I thought too. Anyway, they drag in a whole bunch of stuff and start setting up - the craps table. I think, well, the pieces are heavy and they might as well put them in place as they bring them in. Then they roll out the felt and start placing it on the table...as I'm sitting there watching them. Does anyone remember the sentence where I said I was only staying until the disco ball was up? When they start using rolled up tape to clean any lint off of the table is when I can't take it anymore and tell them to stop playing with the table and set up the disco ball so that if they need anything from me I am still there. I don't think they like me anymore. And quite frankly, I don't care...because now I am back in my office where I can get work done and complain about them on my blog.



P.S. to all my English teaching and loving friends - I do realize that the title of this post is not correct. However, it was visually pleasing to me this way.

Are We There Yet?

This priceless road trip question popped into my head this afternoon as I was thinking about my upcoming college reunion. This weekend I will celebrate 10 years since graduating. I'm excited to see friends that I haven't seen in years and reconnect with old roommates and classmates.

Who am I kidding? Everyone thinks I'm taking Friday off to see the Royal wedding. While I do plan to watch, I really am more excited about seeing old friends. The more often we reunion, they are truly becoming OLD friends. I however, haven't aged a bit. I've just grown.

Stay tuned as the adventures of Snarky and Sassy unfold in what is sure to be an entertaining weekend, some of which will undoubtedly be at my expense. Some will be at their expense too, so it all works out in the end. I can't wait to see what happens!

Questions are Concerns

Grammar is very important. It is a reflection of who you are and your level of intelligence. Even on Facebook! As you all know, I am a HUGE fan of my intern. However, I am trying to be patient and calm and teach her. After all, there are thousands of people who helped me along the way, and while I feel that somehow they all used the tough love approach in teaching, I am trying to be a more kind and caring teacher.

This week, almost every email I have seen that the intern has sent, reads "Please contact me with any questions are concerns." At first, I thought it was simply a typo. As I write this, I'm trying to figure out a way to bring it to her attention without making her feel too horrible.

Other grammar issues that are driving me crazy this week:
1. To, Too and Two are different words and mean different things.
2. Today is one word, not To Day
3. There is no R is Wash

I (hair) Do

Working in this industry, I am extremely opinionated about most things relating to the wedding. However, there are some aspects in which I am completely clueless. Such as how I would like my hair. As with most anything in my life that I don't know what to do about - I went to the internet; specifically the knot, to see what words of wisdom they could impart. Then I had to send this to Snarky and Sassy to see what they thought. You should know that Sassy has really dark brown hair - but for this most sacred occasion in my life, she has graciously offered to go blonde and to match her dress will die the braid dark purple. Only because Snarky offered to pay her to do it. Yea, that's the love and support you get when your wedding theme is Sarcasm and Sophistication....still looking for the sophistication.

For your own safety

 I realize that all you want to do is sit at your desk and look up pricing on the internet for new things to buy. However, what I have asked you to do is inventory. Nobody likes it, everybody hates it....you can even sing the song while you are back there counting things. However, it does us no good to start pricing items when we don't know if we even need them. For your own safety, stop arguing with me every time I give you a project.

I understand that you think your way is the better way of doing something, but just once, I would like you to consider that maybe I have a reason for the way I'm asking for this to be done. While it makes more sense for you to start set up in one room, maybe that room is in use, maybe there are items being stored in that room for another group. MAYBE you should do things the way that I ask you to....for your own safety.

I appreciate that you think because you had a difficult time finding a place to park yesterday that you are now an expert in large groups. However, pointing at me and telling me that you spent all your time "dealing" with the parking situation is your own problem. To my knowledge there was no "situation", just some people trying to park. If you would like to keep that finger, I suggest that you stop using it to point at me during our discussion.

Little White Lies

It's the age old question...is a little white lie ok? They seem harmless, but are they? Someone will end up paying for the lie....
1. We had an accident with the pasta salad - makes the servers look clumsy
2. You look great in that dress - now you are out in public looking like a fool
3. That cookie is fat free - ok, no one really ever believes that one!

But I hope that you can see my point. While they seem innocent, someone is left to look foolish. So what if people refer to you as harsh or insensitive. At least you are honest.

I am not as stealthy as a Ninja

I like to think that I am highly professional most moments of my life. What is interesting about my current life, is that I get to do a little bit of everything, meeting planning, table moving, buffet set up...if it needs to be done, sometimes I'm the only one around to do it. Today we have a very small meeting and so there was no need to pay to have servers here when I can  mess it up myself.

So here's how it went down. I load up everything the group will need for lunch onto a cart, so that I can just roll it into the room, drop it on tables, take the dirty dishes and break food away and get out of the room. Great plan right? The loading of the cart went well, but the rest, not so stealthy. I quietly near the door to the room with my cart, slowly turn the handle of the door and cccrrraaaaacccckk POP, well, now the door is open. I make my way into the room, smile at all the people who are now staring at me and get to work. As quietly as possible, I'm picking up break food, setting out lunch food, clearing trays of dirty dishes and refreshing water glasses. I move so smoothly and quietly the group is able to turn their focus back to the original topic. I'm feeling much better about this situation until I finish. I have to open that door again...no ninja status today.

Online Shopping

I'm the first to admit that I don't do very much online shopping. Snarky and I were taking a walk Saturday and she told me that it's only a matter of time until she starts ordering toilet paper and having it delivered directly to her home. My boss always buys a slew of dresses online for any given event and then determines which one she wants to actually wear. Do to my hatred of the postal process, this seems like a nightmare to me. But to each his own.

Lately I've been doing a little more online shopping. I felt like it wouldn't be quite so overwhelming to choose my wedding gown if I had some kind of idea as to what exists out there. Then today, I decided to start looking for an engagement party dress. I understand that models are artists and all that, but how can you tell what a real person would look like wearing it unless they are standing like this?

My Future Career

Sometimes I find myself wondering what I would do if I didn't have a job in my current career. I love to write, but not everyone gets my sarcastic overtones. I like to sleep, but I don't know anyone who would pay me to do that. For the longest time I thought I would like a job in HR. I thought I could help people through their problems at work and everyone would live happily ever after.

Then I woke up. I would never be able to have a job in HR. People start telling me their minor little problems now and I want to tell them to put on their big girl panties and deal with it. Compassion does not come easily to me in the workplace. Maybe because former bosses have dealt with my whining by handing me a box of tissues, telling me to grow up or simply pretending the conversation about my unhappiness never even happened. I am a firm believer that if you don't like your job, you shouldn't be allowed to complain about it unless you are looking for another one. Even then, you shouldn't complain about it to your coworkers - it's a tough world out there and someone else may be happy to do your job with a good attitude.

More Wedding Gown Madness

The other night, my bridesmaid Snarky (NOT to be confused with Snooki) and I stopped in another shop to look at more dresses. We were greeted by this sweet little lady who started the tour of the shop by telling me to think it was my own walk in closet. Since I had gone in to work at 6:00 that morning, I was already a little punchy, so I looked at Snarky and said "I'll do my best not to change by the front door." Well, let me assure you that the rest of the appointment was downhill from there.

Sweet little lady - let's call her Gertrude (to protect her real identity), took what felt like a year to show us around the shop and tell us the order of the dresses. Then she kept apologizing that she may have to answer the phone or help other people. I was instantly relieved that she would not be able to spend the whole time in the dressing room with us. Then we would have to be on our best behavior and really, what fun would that be??

So Gertrude told Snarky that she should pick out a dress or two that she liked and would be something I wouldn't pull. I just need to be sure to tell you that when I tried that one on, Snarky started laughing and told me it looked like I had been attacked by some animal. Then Gertrude brought me one to try on and while it was on she kept talking about how sophisticated I looked in the dress. As soon as she was out the door, I looked at Snarky and told her we just found the theme of the wedding - Sarcasm and Sophistication.

As we were leaving, Gertrude was going on and on again about how she was sorry the evening had been so crazy, and as I was asking her to write down the dress info, she turned around and hugged me.

My Current Quandary

What adult in their right mind would wear a mini dress instead of a wedding gown? It was one thing as I was looking at runway pictures and thought, "wow, that's a cool, artsy dress that no one would actually wear to a wedding." Then, when I was shopping on Saturday, they had some in the store. To each his, own, but to the brides to be who are thinking about such a dress, please consider the following.

1. Your children will someday see this picture
2. Balloon mini skirts are not a "classic" look that will withstand the test of time
3. If you choose any day of your life to adequantly cover your rear end, I think your wedding day should be at the top of the list
4. What will your grandmother think of this choice?

As for the last thought, even if you are not fortunate enough for your grandmother to be alive for you wedding day, your dress should not make her roll over in her grave.

What Happened to My Brain?

I remember a time when I was intelligent. I didn't forget things on my to do list, I remembered people's birthdays and anniversaries. Well friends, those days are over. If I have forgotten to wish you a happy birthday, anniversary or any other celebration I am truly sorry. It isn't that I wish you ill, I just can't remember.

The worst part is that I have shoved all of those happy items out of my brain to make room for stressful, angry memories. This afternoon when I walked into our account executive's office, she asked a simple "what reason should I give for changing these terms?", with less than three minutes to contemplate this question, I listed eight items. The group was last hear over a year ago. I have the whole post event report memorized...why you ask? Because they managed to make the list of top five all time worst groups in the history of groups.

When I worked at the hotel, there were lots of "bad" groups. Planners who were a)disorganized, b) clueless, c) at the mercy of a crazy boss or any array of problems. Or the groups themselves were bad a)messy, b)rude, c) dressed like super heroes (which, by the way, is hard to pull off at over 300 lbs). I have only ever had the misfortune of one group being worse than this one. How could I NOT remember them?

So as my personal misfortune continues, they want to come back. I guess if I were going to look at the positive side, it would be that they have rave reviews about how nice it was to be here and how accommodating I was to their needs. See kids, sometimes being nice doesn't pay off, it just brings more heartache.

As for my memory, I remember it well. Maybe one day I will return to knowing important moments in my friends and families lives. I will remember why I went to the grocery store and maybe even remember when I am supposed to meet someone for lunch. Until that miracle drug is created, please send me a reminder.

Let me tell you a little story about a man named Dennis

Since I can't out clients who behave poorly for fear of it being unprofessional, wedding planning will be AMAZING. I can talk about all kinds of people.

A few weekends ago, Dave and I went to the great state where I grew up; Wild and Wonderful West Virginia. My mom had been kind enough to set up several appointments for us to see space for possible wedding receptions. I was most looking forward to visiting the capitol. As we entered, I was mesmerized by the marble walls, the chandeliers and really, just the grandeur of the building. Sadly, since I work in this industry, not a lot takes my breath away except for bad fish. I was immediately falling in love with this building.

Then we met the planner. Never in my life have I met someone so self absorbed during a site tour. During the hour that we spent there, he talked about his wife and granddaughter the ENTIRE time...well, except for the moments when he was offending different religions and ethnic groups. I'm sorry, but this is my wedding that we should be talking about. One or two sweet side stories about your personal life is fine, but I should  not have to remind you 3 times why we are there and you then avoid answering any of my questions! It was outrageous. I feel very sorry for any bride who entrusts her day to this man. When we went to look at dates, he had one paper calendar and three, THREE, folders that he had to flip through to see if space was available. All I could picture was a continued nightmare for the next 10 months. Needless to say, the beauty of the building was not enough to overcome what would inevitably be the biggest nightmare imaginable.

Hiatus

I feel bad that it has been so long since I've written, but I have several excellent excuses. My life has blown up and is out of control. Just when I thought I had everything within a manageable reach, it blew up. Picture it as a building imploding - that is a little what January has felt like.

Ok, so a few updates. I'm engaged! Still employed, still not rich enough to lounge on a beach all day, still really busy at work and now I'm helping train an intern. I know I have complained about interns before, but today's experience makes me want to call the person I interned for and apologize. Apparently all interns are idiots. While looking back, I swear I was a genius, it is coming to my realization that I was probably the only one who thought that.

Today's incident revolves around appropriate use of your office. I mean, not that I always follow all of the rules, but come on....it's your third day as an intern and 3 times this morning I have walked over to your cube to find you on a private phone call. Let's just review a few things. 1. You are in a cube, you have no real walls, so we can all hear you. 2. You are by the front door, so anyone that comes or goes from the office can see you. 3. I know you have things to do....I am waiting on 3 different documents from you, so I know you aren't bored.

Happy January! Stay tuned for a run down of the wedding site selection process. It's been phenomenal so far!