So this is Christmas

Every family's is a little different. Some are better, some are worse, but most include lots of family and lots of food. Last night, my dad dressed up as Santa so that my cousin's son could sit on his lap and have his picture taken. Like any normal family (ha!), we then all had our pictures taken with Santa....although most of us knelt beside him for fear of breaking his lap. I asked for a million dollars....and I've been very good all year, so I can't wait until tomorrow morning.

Another family I know is all decending upon the home of their matriarch. She put it as "a stream of crazy will be arriving over the next 24 hours." I have to admit, all those people spread between a front house and back house sounds like a lot of togetherness for me. I like that my family is a short drive from each other and not all in the same fenced area.

On this eve of Christmas I am looking forward to being finished wrapping gifts, will eat way too much food and spend time with family members I don't get to see often. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and provide me with lots of stories for next year's Christmas post :)

If you are going to do something - do it right

Seriously, if you are going to take the time to get a ladder, climb it, and hang lights, don't just throw them up on the side of the house. You could have done that without the ladder. My case in point was shown to me just the other night. I feel certain that this homeowner is not the only offender of this horrible crime, but they will serve as our example.

I mean, why border the window if you can't finish the area over the porch. Could the blue lights not go around the window? And what happened on the bushes? I think you literally just threw the lights at it. While I applaud your true laziness and straight man style of decorating, HUNDREDS of people drive past your house. This is really the best you have to show for yourself?

As you can see, poor holiday decorating drives me to have millions of questions about your mindset.

Office Etiquette

It has come to my attention that numerous people are driving their coworkers crazy. While I can't do much about this if it is a personality conflict, there are a few things that you can refrain from while at work to not make other people want to kill you.

1. Do not tell other people how to do their job if you are not their boss.
2. If you are nerdy enough to have an evil persona, don't advertise it.
3. Don't eat smelly foods if you work in a cubicle.
4. You should come to work ready to work, do not use the first hour as an opportunity to do your hair and make up.
5. Personal hygiene is important...be clean.
6. Do not continually and unnecessarily crack your knuckles.
7. If you feel like a germ factory, stay home - no one wants what you are sharing.
8. Listen Shady McGrady - everyone knows how shady you are so stop acting like you are above the drama.
9. Do not borrow a nail file, use it on your feet in someone else's office and then return it. I guarantee that the owner no longer wants that file.
10. It's called personal space for a reason....take 3 steps back.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Ok, so I borrowed some song lyrics for this post's title. But I really do think that December is the most wonderful time of the year. We celebrate the birth of baby Jesus and me. We gather with lots of friends and family, we eat too much food, we buy gifts for those we love....and sometimes ourselves. It makes me sad though that all of this also comes with so much stress and exhaustion.

In the fantasy world where I spend all my time when I'm not at work, I am like Brittany in this week's episode of Glee. Well, not quite, but I really do feel like Christmas is supposed to be a wonderfully magic time of year. In moments of calm, I can feel this magic. Unfortunately, my moments of calm are few and far between.

For the next few weeks, between your 3rd and 4th glass of wine, take a moment to think about the joys of the season, how you love your family and friends and that this month only, it's totally ok to have a 5th cookie.

Oh How I Hate You

Pantyhose are just one of my many arch nemeses. What I really don't understand is why a product that starts at your feet and ends at your waist would have the primitive sizing structure of socks. Yes, they do cover your feet, but let me assure you that I have a lot of friends whose feet are the same size as mine, but our hips and waists are no where near the same size. Yes, they stretch, but come on, every fabric has it limits. And really? How insulting to women everywhere that clothes have a thousand sizes, but hose have only 3. They might as well be one size fits all.

Before you even mention it, I do realize I am one of a very small group of people under 50 who even wear pantyhose anymore. I promise you, the reason is not because they don't make your legs look better in the middle of winter, it is because no one can find a pair that properly fit. In order for you to fit perfectly into any pair you would need to be 7'9" and weigh 123 pounds. I am 5'2", mine come up to my chin.

Whack-a-Mole December

Do you ever feel like the holiday season is a month long game of whack-a-mole? This week has been horrible. I am at work by 6:00 am, leave late in the afternoon to rush off to AT LEAST two more functions. I'm exhausted and it's only December 3rd. I'm constantly rushing around, putting out the next fire, buying one more charity gift, fixing one more appetizer, buying Christmas gifts for family and politely declining an additional cookie. All these moles keep popping up and it takes every bit of my energy to keep hitting them with that weird mallet.

Christmas is by far, my favorite holiday. When did it become so stressful? We start the year at level one of the game and by December it's a marathon of pounding out activities and festivities, but how festive can you be when really you are just racing to the finish line for the year? No wonder we find ourselves yearning for a new year, a new start and a more relaxed life.

Happy Holiday festivities to each of you....be sure to carry a mallet.

Sweat Pants for the Holidays

Let's face it....while I showed restraint compared to previous years, I still ate too much last week. The good news is that it is only 11:30 on Monday and I'm at 5,000 steps - half way to my daily goal. However, I still think that sweat pants are a good idea for the holidays. I mean, who really wants to get all dolled up and be uncomfortable all day? Not me!! I'm suggesting these - festive and comfortable and I want her stomach

Thanksgiving

With tomorrow's holiday, I thought I should take a moment to write down a few things for which I am thankful.
1. A loving family - even though sometimes I cannot understand why they do and say the things they do, I still love them.
2. Great friends - some of them should probably be committed, but what fun would that be?
3. My Education - As I watch the local school system implode on itself, I am thankful that when I went to school, the biggest threat to my education was the daily bomb scare. If we weren't outside, we were learning.
4. Commen Sense - I have come to understand that not everyone is blessed with it, and I think I would kill myself without it.
5. Food - my inner fat kid would die without cheesecake and other equally nutritious foods.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone - take the day to make out shopping lists for black friday and get into a fight with your brother.

Confessions of Hoarding Tendencies

Ok, before you react to the picture, I need to tell you that I didn't realize I had so many bags. I keep them between my refrigerator and dryer and I had no idea that so many could fit back there. The worst part is that I've been using reusable bags for months. So all of these have been stuck back there for a long, long time.

See, my parents are coming for Thanksgiving, so I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to really clean my house. Like the cleaning where you move furniture and wipe down baseboards. Sadly, laundry was the victim this week and I totally skipped it.

Sorry - back to the topic at hand. As I entered the kitchen with my mop and bucket I started moving everything on the floor that doesn't weigh more than I do, the step stool, the scale (yes, my scale is in my kitchen....it's because my bathroom floor is slanted), and the bags. But then they just kept coming and coming from between the fridge and dryer. I have thrown away 2/3 of this mess and feel very refreshed about the situation.

Voices

I hear voices. Not in my head...at least I don't think. As I sit in my office I can often hear voices in the distance. I just can't figure out where they are coming from. My office has floor to ceiling windows that look out onto a balcony....being the great detective that I am, I can tell that there isn't anyone on the balcony talking. The voices are too faint to be the offices on either side of me. They are too mumbled for me to tell what they are saying or who they are. Are there people living in the wildlife habitat? Is there an 1800's village in the small wooded area between my office and the main road? Now I'm creeped out.

You are Rude

Dear Mr. I'm too Important to be Nice,

One day your actions are going to come back to haunt you. This morning there was absolutely no reason for you to shake your piece of paper at me as if I was the reason you are late for your class. Rolling your eyes at me does not make me want to jump up and help you. Maybe, the next time you begin taking college level courses, you will first learn how to read the paper that tells you where your class is located.

Sincerely,
The person who was only helpful because I was in front of my client

It would really be nice if all of you people could stop bothering me

Don't you wish you could say that while you are at work? Or better yet, post it on the door to your office. Doesn't anyone realize that I have lots of things I am trying to do while I'm here? Most of which is work and the remainder of items are personal...but all of them need to be finished. So please, next time I look really busy (and I'm very good at looking busy) don't stop by and say "do you know what you could do for me?" If I wanted to know what I could do for you, I would have come and asked you. Since I didn't ask, it means that I have enough to do and am not looking to do anything for anyone else.

Stop buying yourself gifts before Christmas

At this point in the game (meaning we are quickly approaching Thanksgiving) every time I hear you say that there is something you want. I make a mental note for your Christmas gift. Obviously, this is assuming that I buy you a gift for Christmas. No, I haven't won the lottery and no, I haven't suddenly become over charitable to give EVERYONE I know a gift. Although a lot of you have birthdays this time of year, so it doesn't hurt to still mention items you want. Just don't set high expectations for yourself.

My point is, Dave ruined my master plan. I have THE BEST gift idea. Something he has wanted and talked about since we met. Yesterday, he went to Target and bought it for himself. Seriously? After YEARS and I literally mean years of talking about buying this item. He up and runs off to Target yesterday afternoon to buy it before he left town for work. I guess it's a good thing he is gone for a few days so that I can spend every waking minute trying to come up with an idea that is close to being as awesome as that would have been.


Oh, don't worry - I totally made him feel guilty about it last night as I was creating a mental image for him of how shocked and surprised and elated he would have been if I had purchased it.

Who took the Service out of Customer Service?

As you all have heard before, I work in the customer service industry...for good or bad, that is what I do and therefore, expect a certain level of assistance when I ask for it from others in the same industry. For instance, I am helping plan my college reunion (even though it's a low number I'm still not telling you which one). So I have been calling local venues asking about private parties and the cost. Out of 11 venues I called, only 3 responded after one attempt. After a second round of calls, I have only successfully received information from 2 additional people.

All I hear everywhere I go is "times are tough, I wish business was better." IT COULD BE IF YOU WOULD RETURN PHONE CALLS. I can't give you business, if you won't answer or return my phone call. As a consumer I will only put in so much effort to give you my business. Let's face it, I'm American and I'm lazy. Therefore my business will go to whoever works hardest for it...not the other way around.


While I'm at it, today is election day - go vote. One of my friends said it best on her facebook status. "If you don't vote, you lose the right to complain. And I, for one, would never put myself in that situation."

Wanted for Pumpkin Assault

Over the past few days, there have been numerous attacks made on a beloved pumpkin, aka Jack O'Lantern. Injuries sustained by the victim are more than any plastic surgery will be able to fix. The victim of the assault reports that it was attacked and eaten by a 6" tall brown furry creature with a bushy tail. Police sketch artists came up with the rendering you see here.

Please be on the lookout for this creature and guard your pumpkins and any other outdoor vegetation you may have. Creature is assumed to be unarmed but very hungry.

1950's Internet

I need a 1950's version of the internet. Where it's safe, and you know your neighbors. Where one password would work for everything that needs a password. Where you don't have to constantly be worried about viruses or identity theft. That's the internet I want.

I'm a bit of an internet junky (as may be evident by this blog). I'm on social networks, twitter, and the like and even decided that I wanted to be connected to the world with a smart phone. Aside from the fact that I feel like my smart phone is sometimes smarter than me, I love my blackberry. It has even tried to address my issues with passwords. There is a cute little button called a password keeper. Problem is, you need a password to get in. For the LIFE of me, I can't remember the password I set.

I either need the internet to be safe enough for me to have one password for everything or I need us to jump ahead in time to where my fingerprint can open all of my documents. Oh wait, I think that already exists. Maybe I just need to be updated.

My Inner Fat Kid

As previously noted, I love food. Recently, I realized why I'm having so much trouble eating right and losing weight. My inner fat kid is always screaming for a blizzard or nachos. It's not fair. Why can't I just be skinny? I need a Jackie Warner in my life. Someone I'm afraid of and who I must answer to about my eating and exercising. My friend April is moving back from NY in Jan and I have asked her to be this person in my life. She exercises like it's fun and to be honest, I'm a little scared of her.

Until then, it's a goal of healthy choices, portion control and a LOT of willpower for me. Right, that sounds like it'll be a blast as we enter the holiday season. Why aren't moomoos more popular?

Laying Down the Law

You probably won't find this too surprising, but certain things on Facebook drive me insane. Here is a working list of things that I think should be banned.

DISCLAIMER: If your panties are in a wad and you take every last little thing so personally that you cry every day, you should probably skip this post. Items mentioned below are not from one individual person but from a wide array of multiple offenders.

1. Your running list of errands for the week. Ok sure, you want people to know where you are and what your doing and if you are me, you want to tell the whole world that you have actually made it to the gym so that you can be praised for the effort. What I don't want to read is what you are doing for the WEEK. One day at a time people, one day at a time. (now One Day at a Time Sweet Jesus is stuck in my head)

2. Your doctor's appointments. I will give you a pass if you are seriously ill and trying to update a large group of people about what is going on. If you or your husband has a runny nose, I have a status update for you...no one cares.

3. Stuff you are selling for your kids. I had to go out and bother my parent's friends personally or over the phone. It was an effort to teach me how to interact with adults. You should try it, if your kid is old enough to be selling candy bars, they can get out from behind your legs and ask me to buy one. They're cuter and would have better luck anyway. It's easy for me to ignore your post or tell you no. I do feel I need to give this a disclaimer, after all, I do realize that your child is precious and that he or she could be kidnapped just walking up to strangers doors. Just stop pushing their wrapping paper on me is all I'm asking.

4. Games - I understand that you may like to play Mafia Wars, or Farmville, and I know how to block those things from my feed so that we can coexist peacefully. However, once you start having full wall conversations about needing help with your farm as if you actually live on one and are unable to harvest the crops and your friends are chiming in about ways to help...I am over it. Here I am thinking that you are in real need of help but really, it's just the game.

5. Negative Nancy - I'm going to take you off my news feed if you can't find something nice or humorous to say every once in a while. I know I have a pretty good life, and not everyone I know can say the same. We all hit rough points, and need a friend to help us out. But help me out, if you're having a good hair day, post that every once in a while!

I would like to dedicate this post to Christy. This whole post began as a venting email because I knew she felt my pain.

In my next life

I've determined that my previous lives were not entertaining or exciting. I was probably a turtle (my skin get so scaly in the winter), or a bear (you have no idea how much I love to sleep). While I want my next life to be more exciting, I have been thinking maybe I could just work on this life being more exciting. It's a better idea since I don't actual believe in reincarnation.

Recently, I decided to start a list of 40 things to do before I turn 40. I attempted this for my 30th birthday and not only did I not complete the items on the list, but I was too lazy to even finish the list. Since I started the list at 28, I thought I might have better luck if I started now, as I am on the verge of 32...8 years to complete the list instead of 2. Since you haven't seen the original list, I may even steal some items that were never finished from it.

So I guess that really, it is an early bucket list. Since we know I never made it to 30 items the first time, 40 might be a stretch. If you have suggestions, let me know!!

Swerved with...

I think faster than I type. Luckily for you, I proofread most of the time. Although lately, I have found myself misspelling the same things over and over. Mostly because I type the same things numerous times each day.

For example: At the end of every lunch description I type "Served with Sweet and Unsweetened Tea" However it often starts as Swerved with.

I also realize that I see a right and wrong with little to no gray area for most things around me. This causes emails I write to be somewhat straight forward without much fluff. I don't like fluff in communication or on a buffet. To ease it up without putting the ever unprofessional smiley face at the end of each email, I sign it Kind Regards. Very unfortunately, I have found myself typing Kind Retards more and more often lately. If I ever hit send before I catch that one, it could be a BIG problem!! :)

I model for Versace

Yesterday, Dave and I went to the Panthers game. It was sad from any perspective you try. Saturday was sunny and hot, yesterday was cold and rainy. While I have longed for cooler weather, I wasn't so excited about the rain and my sitting outside. The game was painful to watch for a host of reasons, the least of which was the weather. I hate to be a fair weather (ha) fan, but come on.

Anyway, the great thing about games is no matter how poor the athleticism, the people watching is superb. Now remember, it was about 70 and pouring rain. Near the end of the first quarter this couple comes and sits in front of us. Let's call them Robert and Victoria. I feel certain these are not their real names, but I feel they could be. Robert is early 40's, salt and pepper hair, chubby face and chubby body. His face looks a bit like a cat to me. Victoria weighs about 6 pounds, 3 pounds of which is make up and she is dressed in cocktail attire, not sportswear. As the camera guy comes near our section of the stadium she starts yelling "film us! film us! I model for Versace, you should put me on camera!"

Weightloss Battle Continues

I mere 5 days after returning from vacation, I have lost 4.5 pounds. Although it has come at a cost. I truly hate working out. While it may be mean and uncalled for, I have found that a big motivator in getting myself to the gym is to force myself to stand naked infront of a full length mirror for 3 minutes each morning and think about all the things I could balance on my hips. Or the things that would just sit there, as if on a shelf. While I returned from vacation Wed evening, today is my first day back at work. The true test will be if I can come home and not immediately start eating.

Music is also no longer a motivator in my workouts, so I have downloaded several podcasts in a series of "things you should know". They are very random and therefore I think are the perfect thing for me to listen to and increase my knowledge of useless facts!

The Art of Gardening

So that no one feels like I am killing plants in my office but running a farm somewhere else, I thought I would further prove why I should not be trusted with agriculture. Earlier this summer I decided that even though I didn't have my own house and therefore could not plant a garden, I could at least grow herbs.

This is yet another venture that I blame/credit Kelli with starting. You see, I went to her house where there is lots and lots of land. She and her husband had planted all these foods that I thought would be amazing to have right outside my front door. Alas, I do not have land, I have an apartment that my landlord would frown upon my turning the backyard into a farm. Instead, I came up with the grand plan to grow herbs.

So off to Lowe's I went. It was completely overwhelming and I left. Then I went to Target and was able to find everything I thought I needed. After reading the directions, I planted basil, cilantro, rosemary and parsley. I never eat parsley, but it seemed like a good idea in the moment.

A few weeks later, I had basil, and a ton of it. There were three sprigs of cilantro and nothing else. A week later, the cilantro was gone and the basil was flourishing. I used the basil to make a few dishes and then tragedy. It all died. In a matter of moments. This is what it looks like now :(

Vacation

I love going on vacation...different city to explore, sites to see, food that you don't have where you live, and most importantly, a break from work. I'm shocked though at my complete reckless abandon when it comes to food on vacation. Last Thursday as I left work, I stopped to pick up chocolate chip cookies to celebrate. All I was doing was leaving work, nothing that actually deserved a cookie or three. Friday I decided that since I had cleaned out the refrigerator and car, I should eat a bag of chips with onion dip and a sub. Saturday I ate a pizza and "needed" to go to Dairy Queen. So far, we hadn't even left for vacation.

Sunday, we finally leave for our trip to DC and Philly. Of course, there is no eating healthy before we get on the road. About an hour and a half into the trip, we stop at Arby's for lunch. For dinner, we meet up with one of my college friends and I of course choose sweet potato fries with my sandwich and two glasses of wine. Did I mention that I have also had about 15 sodas in this time frame?

Monday, we arrive in a town outside of Philadelphia at Dave's aunt and uncle's home. They made steaks, with green beans and potatoes for dinner. This was after an eager destruction of chips and hummus and two glasses of wine when we first arrived. After dinner, and another glass of wine, Dave's aunt brings out an homemade blueberry pie. Did I mention that I hate blueberries? Actually, there are several superfoods that I'm not all that crazy about. In an effort to be polite, and because it was being served with homemade ice cream, I ate two pieces. It was the best blueberry dish I have EVER had.

Tuesday, we traveled into Philadelphia to see the Art Museum, Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell and the like. Dave's uncle was a gracious tour guide and had even researched the best cheesesteak in town. It was marvelous. So marvelous in it's greasy glory that you could see through the wax paper it was served on after the meal. That evening, we were treated to an Asian Fusion restaurant where I stuffed myself with fried rice, salmon, edamame dumplings and of course, an absolutely decadent dessert.

During this binge, Dave has gained 1.5 pounds, I have gained 5. So today begins a new phase of my life. Today I vow to end my abusive relationship with food. No longer will each encounter be a conquest that I must win. Instead, I will respect the food that enters my mouth and refrain from eating as much as I can until I feel sick. I have also decided to enter the Charlotte No Fizz challenge - 60 for 60 hydration challenge. I'm a day late, but hey, better late than never?

Monday Mornings

Do you ever have issues in the morning? I have issues all day long, but they are much fuzzier in the morning. Let's take today for example. I have already been awake for 4.5 hours. About 5 minutes ago I was writing an email to my coworkers and thought "the send button on my email looks weird". I probably send 50 emails per day from Outlook. Why all of a sudden does the button look unfamiliar to me? It's like it's missing something. I just can't figure out what...I mean, it still says "send" which is all it really needs.

After all this contemplation, I think to myself, this is why I'm not more successful. I have just lost 12 minutes of my life trying to figure out what is wrong with my send button. And let's face it, in an hour it will be something else. I am the person who is distracted by shiny objects. If only I could focus my powers and use them for good, not random, we could be a little closer to world peace.

ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but you never know...

Hips Don't Lie

I love chocolate. And cookies, ice cream, bread, potato chips and pepperoni rolls. I also wonder why my hips are in competition with my shoulders to see who can be wider. For the majority of my life, my shoulders have won. One night during rehearsal for a musical, the costumer was taking my measurements and asked if I had trouble finding clothes to fit because my shoulders were "broad and sturdy". These are not words that a girl wants to hear.

Anyway, in recent years, I have found that I can no longer simply stop eating all of the above mentioned foods and drop 5 pounds. This sucks for lack of a better term. So, now that I am nearing the atrocious weight of when I graduated from college, I'm trying to reign it back in. It makes me sad, because I will miss you fried, sweet and salty foods. But I'm sure one day I will see you again. After all, emotional eating is one of my favorite hobbies.

I'm Just Not That Into You

Remember the book that came out several years ago "He's Just Not That Into You"? I loved it. And now I would like my client to start taking hints and realize I'm just not that into her. I'm only sending about 5,000 nonverbal clues as I pass her in the hallway that she does not need to stop and speak. A simple hello is more than enough. But no, we speak for at least 10 minutes and as I walk away, I realize nothing productive just happened, I'm just 10 minutes older and not wiser.

She is one of the most passive aggressive people I have ever met...and that is saying a lot because my first boss was the Queen of Passive Agressivity. Shut up, it's a word. This is probably why we don't get along. I will always have a lot more respect for you if you just tell it how it is. I may not like your message, but I will get over faster having the facts straight up.

So here we are, existing in a passive aggressive saga where I try to stay as far away from her as possible without making it too obvious I'm avoiding her and she is stopping me for 10 minute conversations several times a day. I need a job where I can hide from people.

No Alarm = Bad Rest of Day

So my alarm didn't go off this morning. Possibly because I forgot to set it, but nevertheless, I rolled over and looked at the clock at 5:41 this morning. I'm supposed to be at work at 6:00.

After the world's fastest shower and make up, I arrived at 6:09...really not bad. On the drive to work, I kept telling myself that I was not going to allow this to ruin my entire day. Then I kept trying to think of the name of that book about choosing your mood for the day. It was something about fish maybe? Lots of references to Pike's Pier?? Anyway, at one point in my life, I read a book about how you control your destiny by choosing your attitude each day. Obviously it was phenomenal considering my current take away.

So I arrive at work, choosing my good attitude and immediately jump in to the hundred things that need to be finished before the clients arrive. As I'm celebrating the fact that I am clean, have brushed my teeth and have make up on, I realize something horrible. In my hurried rush, I'm wearing a bra whose underwire is trying to be an escape artist. By the end of the day, I will be the first person I know with an under arm piercing.

Harry

On Wednesday July 7, 2010, Harry the Chia Pet was laid to rest after an extended battle with dehydration. Although he only had a short life, it was one filled with stress and sadness. His beloved owner was sure to keep his hair trimmed neatly, but once it started turning blonde, there seemed to be no turning back.

While all the other plants in the office are saddened by this loss, they selfishly believe that this turn of events will lead to more water for them and that the death of Harry could be a wake up call for plants everywhere.

Work Ethic

I understand that everyone has a different sense of what a good work ethic is, but I feel strongly that if you think working for an hour (still be AT work for 8) is too strenuous, then you shouldn't be in this industry. Meetings change times, their needs change, speakers on a whim will decide they need 3 more tables and 6 more flipcharts for an activity they think will be "fun". The nature of our business is a moving target. Strangely, that's one of the things I like about it. Unless of course, I'm the one moving the tables!

As we begin to emerge from this catastrophic recession, I feel that people are shocked that things are needed again. Shouldn't we be excited that there is more work to be done? Obviously if you are one of the unfortunate souls covering several peoples' positions you do not feel this way. But if you have been a slacker sitting in your office with nothing to do because there was no business, aren't you excited to have something to pass the day faster?

Apparently, not everyone shares my enthusiasm for business. I'm up to my eyeballs in BEOs, Room Diagrams, conference calls and invoicing. I'm exhausted, but I'm happy. To me, if there is no work to be done, there is no point for me to be at work. I would rather have a running to do list - prevents boredom and the ever growing addiction to facebook.

And now I have more options to tweet about. Yes, I still don't love that part...

Putting the fun back in dysfunctional

Growing up, my mom would frequently mention that we put the fun in dysfunctional...it wasn't until recently that I realized how true she was.

My family is great about getting issues out in the open...as long as it is behind your back. What we do is get together with some members of the family and then talk about the others, then you switch groups. Since we're a little southern, you hear a lot of "bless his heart" and "I'm only bringing it up out of love and concern". One day I want to out all of them for this crazy tradition. I mean, we are the people of circle of death (if you don't already know about circle of death, you have to wait until Christmas, which is when it occurs), and dinners for 25 people, why can't we just say what is on our mind like other families?

This past weekend I went home to visit. Every holiday, my brother and I ask my mom what she wants as a gift, she always says she wants pictures of us. We oblige her this request every few years. The main reason we don't do this all of the time is because it's creepy. Many photographers we have used try to make us look like we are dating. I realize we are from WV, but inbreeding is not nearly as popular as you may think. So the last thing my brother and I want to do is get dressed up and smile for a camera. But it's been several years and we thought we should bite the bullet. Friday afternoon we went to Kelli's house (remember her? she's the whole reason I ramble endlessly on this page) for our photo shoot. As we are standing there, my brother makes some sarcastic comment to which Kelli pops out from behind her camera and says "you two have the same sense of humor!". I had never thought about just how sarcastic we are and that our parents don't seem so much so. Then it hit me...

We got it from mom. After all, she's the one that talked for years about how she and her best friend were going to open a funeral home. Not only was she going to put the fun back in dysfunctional at home, she and Kaye were going to put the Fun in Funeral. They had a long list of things that they would not allow in the funeral home...the only one I remember now is a light up phone with a banner that said "He got the call." I totally agree with them on this one.

So next time you are reading this and wondering why in the world I can ramble on endlessly, it's because I grew up putting the fun back in dysfunctional.

Hairspray in the car

I have always been under the assumption that your car is for driving. This is the main purpose of having a car. While I am guilty of occasionally putting on lip gloss, I do not try to completely get ready in the car. This morning I had the unfortunate privilege of being behind a woman who must have rolled out of bed and into her car. In my 12 minute commute to work, I saw make up, hair brush, and a cloud of hairspray that would have set the whole car on fire if there had been a spark.

I will refrain from elaborating on how bad her hair looked from my car and just suggest that maybe you take that extra few minutes in the morning to complete the majority of your grooming in the house instead of for an audience of drivers who wonder when you will blow yourself up.

Scheduling

Ok, so I am fortunate enough to work in an office that goes to a 4 day work week for the summer. But here's the catch, if we have groups in, then obviously we don't all take the day off. Well, today is the first day of the first week of the summer schedule, so instead of taking 5 days to work 40 hours, you split 40 hours into 4 days. I'm bad at math, but this is a simple concept to me. Apparently though, I am a genius because everyone else can't seem to figure out when to come to work???

Advanced Planning

So there is a group who is arriving soon and by soon I mean early next week. Over 100 people. The planner couldn't be bothered to sign the contract before yesterday morning. This gives me chest pains. Theoretically, I am not going to do anything with the information until Monday anyway, but the fact that they are withholding the information is driving me crazy. As my boss would say "I'm all out of sweet girl."

So yesterday morning after I receive the signed contract, I drop everything to send them menus and AV questions. Nothing...just the frogs outside my office croaking. No information being returned, only sent. This morning I start making calls - no answers, no return calls. Blood pressure is hitting amazing levels at this point. Maybe I'll go to the hospital with the woman who felt like she was having a heart attack. Did I mention it's been a good day so far? Oh wait, she wants to go to Gaston Memorial...too far away from my house. I guess I'll just stay here and hope that maybe someone will decide it would be beneficial for me to have meeting details.

Have I mentioned that patience is not a virtue I possess? I called the assistant's cell phone. I mean, her fault for giving it to Crystal if she didn't want any of us to call her. So I'm telling her in my sweetest voice possible that I really need a decision on lunch for next week as well as how they want the rooms set up and what their AV needs are. Well, she's just so glad I have called. However, right now she is in Walmart, and can't hear me too well so she needs to call me back when she returns to the house.

Yet another way the Walmart wins out.

Nametags

So I wear a nametag to work every day...well, most days. This is to identify me as someone who works here and not a participant of another meeting. When groups are in house, some wear nametags and some don't. But today I saw something that I didn't expect.

The group that is here has printed name tags, but I have seen 2 or 3 people with hand written nametags. Not uncommon for networking events, but a little mysterious for a corporate meeting. Still, most of them have just scribbled their name on with a sharpie. About ten minutes ago I saw a woman who had taken more time with hers. Each letter was a different, bright color (red, yellow, blue and orange)and to beat it all, the letters were bubble letters! I mean seriously???? I would expect such action from a 15 year old girl, but this woman is well into her 50's. So this begs the question...how old is too old for bubble letters? I say anything past college when you are in a working environment.

Chia Pet Update

I know that everyone has been distraught by the lack of hair my chia pet was growing. He has been using just for men and the results are amazing! Now I'm trying to figure out the best style for him. Oh, and now he has a mouth, but no nose. He actually has several different mouths to choose between. Because that's what I need, one more distraction in my day. First it was Facebook, and I'm expected to use twitter two to three times a day and now I have to decide what kind of mood my chia pet is in. But on the other hand, it's pretty fantastic because now when people walk by my office and ask who I'm talking to, I tell them I'm talking to the pet. Sounds better than admitting that I talk to myself! I guess he needs a name? Send me some suggestions!

In other agricultural news from my office, my peace lilly is starting to bloom, but I'm killing a fern. It's happy and sad all in the same basket.

PSA's

I fully believe that Public Service Announcements are made in an effort to inform the public, but the one I witnessed this weekend was in a different spot than normal. We've all seen a sign outside of a church with a little quip that guilts you about attending on a regular basis, and my generation grew up with "the more you know" spots on TV. This tops them all though...at a small burger place in Pensacola, the sign reads:
"2 Cheeseburgers $2.99
PTSD is real
Not Crazy
Open Sunday 11-4"

Here is a picture to prove that I'm not making this up...we stopped between the wedding and reception to capture a few shots!

Irony

Yesterday was one of the busiest days I have experienced at work in quite a long time. Needless to say, there were some hiccups along the way. This causes my boss to go crazy, if too many people are up moving around the building at the same time she thinks there is an impending crisis. By the time I left, you would have thought the whole world was coming to an end. So this morning, as I was getting ready to come to work, I wondered what I could do differently to make her calm.

I should probably point out that the client was extremely happy and so I'm not sure why my boss was extremely unhappy. As is often the case with meetings, it's a new day, so you move on. So I was delivering something to one of the client's and walked in their room and this quote was on the wall. “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” - Bill Cosby

I think I'm going to frame it and hang it in my office since another one of my boss' complaints is that my office doesn't have enough "personal" items.

Lost Items

Have you ever spent an endless amount of time looking for something that you know is in your house but can't find?

Yesterday, I spent no less than 2 hours looking for nail clippers. I know they are in my house, but they are hiding. Most likely they are sitting there laughing at the fact that I have spent so much time looking for them. I mean, really, where could they have gone? They live in the top drawer in my bathroom. I went through the whole drawer and couldn't find them, and then I scavenged through the two lower drawers - nothing. I checked under the sink, then the basket on the counter - still no clippers. At this point I took a short break to switch laundry from the washer to the dryer. I then decided to check my bedroom - maybe they were moved to my vanity..not on the vanity, not in the vanity, not in my makeup bag. Also not on my bedside table, or it's drawers or the floor.

The worst part is, I would take a break, insanely thinking that if I left the room and came back, they would appear. I even left the house and went to the grocery store. Ironically, while I was standing in the check out line, there was a container of nail clippers, but I refused to buy them because I know that mine didn't leave the house! Sadly, I'm still walking around with 2 broken fingernails.

At this point, I have run out of options. I know for a fact that it is impossible that I left the house with them, so I am left only to believe that one of my friends who came to my house over the weekend went through the drawers in my bathroom and stole them. You know who you are - and you have been caught. Please return my nail clippers.

Common Sense

Until today I have never fully appreciated the true blessing of having common sense. I always heard that not everyone has common sense, but I thought this was a relative statement and that what they meant was that not everyone has A LOT of common sense.This morning during set up for breakfast I had a conversation that proved to me that there are actually people who don't have ANY common sense...here is how the conversation went.

me: "Are those all the pastries for this breakfast?" As I look at a small platter of danishes.

caterer: "Yes, the note says there are 40."

me: "But there are 46 people in this group. That isn't even one per person."

caterer: "Do you think there will be a problem?"

An hour later I'm pulled aside by a very nervous caterer who in a most panicked voice "people are taking two, what are you going to do?

I looked at her and calmly replied that I was not going to do anything. I had pointed out two hours ago that there was not enough food.

Chia Pet

Several weeks ago, I was having a very busy day at work and during the morning rush, I walked into the lobby to see nothing less than a catering server wearing a bright pink, obnoxious hat that could best be described as troll doll hair. After counting to ten and taking several deep breaths, I asked her to remove the hat. I was told she needed to go fix her hair. At this point, I felt certain that steam was seeping from my ears and that it was only a matter of seconds until my head would actually explode.

In my attempt to avoid confrontation, I marched into my office and started typing an email to my sales contact at the catering company...it read "Moving forward, can we ask that the servers come to work ready to work? I had one this morning that needed to do her hair and makeup before she could start setting up."

Obviously, this got a quick response...an immediate phone call to apologize and a promise to make sure it never happened again. But all I could keep repeating was "I walked into the lobby and there was a troll doll walking around." She thought this was hysterical and the next day I received a present. She told me she had looked everywhere for a troll doll but couldn't find any (probably because it's not 1987). When I opened the box, I found a miniature chia pet with a pink head.

As if all that weren't crazy enough, I have tried to start growing my pets "hair". Sadly, it seems to have a balding pattern. If you know how to help my middle aged male chia pet, please let me know!!!

Letters

I am sitting at my desk today when the mail comes around. For once, there is an envelope that is not immediately recognized as a bill or sales materials. I can't wait to open the envelope.

As I flip it over, I see the return address is from a client I had met the previous day. I have worked with the company for several meetings, but she is a new planner. As I pull the letter from the envelope, I am in shock. The letter was written on a typewriter.

Who even still owns a typewriter? I can't even think of the last time I saw one, much less used it. Yet there is something very endearing about the letter. The words are like that of many thank you letters I have received from clients, nothing unique or special, but the fact that it looks like it must be at least 20 years old makes me read it over and over. Yes, I think I will cherish this client letter more than most.

Losing My Mind

I'm not one to say no when people ask me to do things, because I genuinely like to help. However, I also really like time to myself. Sometimes it's hard to find a balance between the two. This month happens to be one of those times.

Last weekend was a prime example of how things can take a wrong turn very quickly. After spending a great afternoon in the sun with friends and then then watching WV in the playoff games for the first time since 1802 I went to sleep having had a great day but with many thoughts on my mind. Sunday I was helping host a bridal shower for a great friend, but in all my relaxing on Saturday, I had really done nothing to prepare. Sunday morning I shot up out of bed and started running. I still needed a hand full of items from the grocery store, I needed to cook, and more importantly, I needed to shower and get ready. In all of my running around on Saturday I had meant to buy I dress, but that never happened, so I had no clue what to wear. I ran out to the grocery store - grabbed everything I needed and was back home in 15 minutes. So that I wouldn't get too distracted cooking, I set the kitchen timer for one hour. In a poor attempt at multitasking I took out the ingredients for two dishes. As I was prepping one, I realized that the butter for the other was not going to soften quickly enough. Easy I thought, as I threw the two sticks of butter in the microwave and hit 10 seconds.

All of a sudden, and just as I heard the first crackling noise I thought - that butter had a foil lined cover. I sprang across the kitchen to pull the door of the microwave open, but sadly, it was too late. The smell of charred foil was already spreading across my tiny kitchen.

But I did have softened butter.

Texting

Now, I don't want to sound old and out of date, because I text a lot, but I feel there are times that it is inappropriate. NC recently passed a law that you are not allowed to text or read emails while driving. This makes sense to me, your eyes should be on the road, not your phone. However, if you are uncoordinated, you also should not text while walking. I just watched a guy trip going up the stairs because he was so involved in whatever he was trying to spell that he missed a stair.

How are you going to explain your broken nose to friends and coworkers? I say lie and tell them you were punched in the face by a stranger. No one will feel bad for you if it was your lack of intelligence that landed you that broken nose.

My first blog

Not too long ago, I was chatting with a woman that I admire more than I can express in words. She is a business owner, mother of two, crafty, organized, creative and all around wonderful person. Her name is Kelli and I have had the great pleasure of knowing her since we were teenagers. I was telling her how I aspire to be like her (especially the organized and creative parts of her personality) and throughout my retelling of my day, she suggested I start a blog. So here it is!

I work in the hospitality industry, so there are lots of things I find both amusing and perplexing on a daily basis. I also just feel that I run into a lot of random things throughout life that I find amusing and would like to share the funny stories that I have. To me, they are just rants, but to many people I encounter, they are very funny stories, so I will retell them here from time to time. I hope you enjoy!!