Wanted for Pumpkin Assault

Over the past few days, there have been numerous attacks made on a beloved pumpkin, aka Jack O'Lantern. Injuries sustained by the victim are more than any plastic surgery will be able to fix. The victim of the assault reports that it was attacked and eaten by a 6" tall brown furry creature with a bushy tail. Police sketch artists came up with the rendering you see here.

Please be on the lookout for this creature and guard your pumpkins and any other outdoor vegetation you may have. Creature is assumed to be unarmed but very hungry.

1950's Internet

I need a 1950's version of the internet. Where it's safe, and you know your neighbors. Where one password would work for everything that needs a password. Where you don't have to constantly be worried about viruses or identity theft. That's the internet I want.

I'm a bit of an internet junky (as may be evident by this blog). I'm on social networks, twitter, and the like and even decided that I wanted to be connected to the world with a smart phone. Aside from the fact that I feel like my smart phone is sometimes smarter than me, I love my blackberry. It has even tried to address my issues with passwords. There is a cute little button called a password keeper. Problem is, you need a password to get in. For the LIFE of me, I can't remember the password I set.

I either need the internet to be safe enough for me to have one password for everything or I need us to jump ahead in time to where my fingerprint can open all of my documents. Oh wait, I think that already exists. Maybe I just need to be updated.

My Inner Fat Kid

As previously noted, I love food. Recently, I realized why I'm having so much trouble eating right and losing weight. My inner fat kid is always screaming for a blizzard or nachos. It's not fair. Why can't I just be skinny? I need a Jackie Warner in my life. Someone I'm afraid of and who I must answer to about my eating and exercising. My friend April is moving back from NY in Jan and I have asked her to be this person in my life. She exercises like it's fun and to be honest, I'm a little scared of her.

Until then, it's a goal of healthy choices, portion control and a LOT of willpower for me. Right, that sounds like it'll be a blast as we enter the holiday season. Why aren't moomoos more popular?

Laying Down the Law

You probably won't find this too surprising, but certain things on Facebook drive me insane. Here is a working list of things that I think should be banned.

DISCLAIMER: If your panties are in a wad and you take every last little thing so personally that you cry every day, you should probably skip this post. Items mentioned below are not from one individual person but from a wide array of multiple offenders.

1. Your running list of errands for the week. Ok sure, you want people to know where you are and what your doing and if you are me, you want to tell the whole world that you have actually made it to the gym so that you can be praised for the effort. What I don't want to read is what you are doing for the WEEK. One day at a time people, one day at a time. (now One Day at a Time Sweet Jesus is stuck in my head)

2. Your doctor's appointments. I will give you a pass if you are seriously ill and trying to update a large group of people about what is going on. If you or your husband has a runny nose, I have a status update for you...no one cares.

3. Stuff you are selling for your kids. I had to go out and bother my parent's friends personally or over the phone. It was an effort to teach me how to interact with adults. You should try it, if your kid is old enough to be selling candy bars, they can get out from behind your legs and ask me to buy one. They're cuter and would have better luck anyway. It's easy for me to ignore your post or tell you no. I do feel I need to give this a disclaimer, after all, I do realize that your child is precious and that he or she could be kidnapped just walking up to strangers doors. Just stop pushing their wrapping paper on me is all I'm asking.

4. Games - I understand that you may like to play Mafia Wars, or Farmville, and I know how to block those things from my feed so that we can coexist peacefully. However, once you start having full wall conversations about needing help with your farm as if you actually live on one and are unable to harvest the crops and your friends are chiming in about ways to help...I am over it. Here I am thinking that you are in real need of help but really, it's just the game.

5. Negative Nancy - I'm going to take you off my news feed if you can't find something nice or humorous to say every once in a while. I know I have a pretty good life, and not everyone I know can say the same. We all hit rough points, and need a friend to help us out. But help me out, if you're having a good hair day, post that every once in a while!

I would like to dedicate this post to Christy. This whole post began as a venting email because I knew she felt my pain.

In my next life

I've determined that my previous lives were not entertaining or exciting. I was probably a turtle (my skin get so scaly in the winter), or a bear (you have no idea how much I love to sleep). While I want my next life to be more exciting, I have been thinking maybe I could just work on this life being more exciting. It's a better idea since I don't actual believe in reincarnation.

Recently, I decided to start a list of 40 things to do before I turn 40. I attempted this for my 30th birthday and not only did I not complete the items on the list, but I was too lazy to even finish the list. Since I started the list at 28, I thought I might have better luck if I started now, as I am on the verge of 32...8 years to complete the list instead of 2. Since you haven't seen the original list, I may even steal some items that were never finished from it.

So I guess that really, it is an early bucket list. Since we know I never made it to 30 items the first time, 40 might be a stretch. If you have suggestions, let me know!!

Swerved with...

I think faster than I type. Luckily for you, I proofread most of the time. Although lately, I have found myself misspelling the same things over and over. Mostly because I type the same things numerous times each day.

For example: At the end of every lunch description I type "Served with Sweet and Unsweetened Tea" However it often starts as Swerved with.

I also realize that I see a right and wrong with little to no gray area for most things around me. This causes emails I write to be somewhat straight forward without much fluff. I don't like fluff in communication or on a buffet. To ease it up without putting the ever unprofessional smiley face at the end of each email, I sign it Kind Regards. Very unfortunately, I have found myself typing Kind Retards more and more often lately. If I ever hit send before I catch that one, it could be a BIG problem!! :)